And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
