so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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