im about as happy as oj after his trial
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
