just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
