remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.