i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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