Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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