listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
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Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
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The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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