I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
They have beer where we have blood.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
