were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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