Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
