Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
