So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
