I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
