i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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