i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
