It was like getting head from an anaconda
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
