I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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