Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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