You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
