Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
