Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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