Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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