Already got asked if we're dating
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
