My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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