You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Pants are for mortals
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
