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the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
