I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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