Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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