What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
