Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
