Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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