she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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