My room smells like vodka and shame
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
