I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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