I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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