My friends, they love my intelligence
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
