I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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