im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
