My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
