Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
