There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
