I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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