First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
