I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Randomize
