3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
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tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
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My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
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