JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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