I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
