we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i think i scared a bird with my dick
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
