im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
