What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
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Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
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If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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