You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
