I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
