I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
