just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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