The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
